spoonful of sugar

i feel good and calm and happy for the first time in a while. since getting back from tas maybe three weeks ago i have been feeling strange; isolated, unsure, inadequate and lost. feeling directionless and unemployed whilst i was down south didn't matter so much - getting a job wasn't feasible and living on limited money wasn't tremendously difficult, i was surrounded by people constantly, whose company i really enjoyed and doing nothing-in-particular for a month didn't make me feel unproductive or anxious. but back in melbourne, i relapsed into a nervous wreck; fiercely biting my nails, not feeling able to interact with people, particularly in large groups and feeling crushed by a hideous apathy that was a product of my typical preemption of failure (of everything that involves me making constructive decisions) and thus, i felt at a complete loss as to deciding where i want to be (living arrangements) and what i want to do (employment/ uni/ doing things for myself). eventually, needing to take some sort of action, i moved all of my things to my dad's place in glen iris. for the first time in three years, all of my possessions are in one place. i spent hours sorting out my room, cleaning, throwing things out and rearranging, culminating in a beautiful, open space, where i actually want to spend my time. dad took my little brother to queensland for two weeks so i had the house to myself; a four bedroom house that is usually inhabited by seven people. stark contrast to the house in hobart, which, at times, slept eighteen people, including three children, in a six bedroom home. living alone, as well as being in glen iris (an hour and half on public transport to get anywhere on the north side - where i spend most of my time) meant that i felt quite isolated, not necessarily in a negative way, but on top of that, the distance made me ever reluctant to leave the house at all. on friday i finally motivated myself to leave glen iris (for social purposes, rather than job-seeking), to meet some pals from tasmania at lentils, took my bike on the train to east richmond and rode from there to abbotsford. a nice little discovery; that method only takes a half hour and saves me the 15km bike ride (which i have no worries with sometimes, but i  don't feel up to it all the time), consequently eroding some of the isolation feelings. a night of easy company with really lovely, genuine people evoked the absence of self-consciousness and social insecurity that defined my time in tasmania. saturday, i finished painting the front of my mum's house in richmond; two shades of sago and a front door of deep fuscia. that night, i proved my theory that kissing people that drink beer makes me ill; that minuscule amount of gluten can still affect me (i have coeliac disease). so the next day i had pretty intense stomach pains, a headache and ended up needing to eat lots of panadol. no regrets though; make outs trumped getting sick.

C:
sunday at a show at tinning street, i got to see full ugly and milk teddy jams (tom's falsetto makes for prime listening), temporarily quenching my thirst for melbourne music. whilst i was in hobart, every now and again i would get a powerful craving to see milk teddy or dick diver, the twerps or full ugly, so in that sense, it's good to be back home.

drove down to mum's beach shack at point cook today. went for a swim as the sun dipped towards the horizon, then sat in a deck chair reading and writing until a faint white crust of sea salt appeared on my skin. drank cider and ate prawns with avocado for dinner.

lyf-rules.

here are some nice things:

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